To dream

I went to a friend’s house and had a very good time last night.  It was (mostly) an all girls thing where we just hung out, ate cheese and crackers, laughed, and had lots of fun.  Later in the evening I had my cards read.  I always enjoy it because sometimes I feel I need to see things differently, and card readings can help you do that.

The card reading my friend gave me told me two things very strongly, and I say that because there were cards in my reading that said basically the same things, or just emphasized it.  I can’t explain things very well so I’m sure this doesn’t make much sense, I guess maybe you have to have had a reading in order to get what I’m trying to say at this point.

The two things my reading pretty much yelled at me were this:  1) I have to believe in my own strength, that I am stronger than I realize, and 2) That I can have the thing I want so desperately, but that I have to make it happen.  At some point, according to the cards, I will have an epiphany and realize what it is I need to do, and then everything will basically fall into place.

Now, for those of you who have had readings before, I think its pretty clear what I asked, though my friend did not request the question be spoken aloud.  For those who have not, basically while you shuffle the Tarot cards you form a question in your head about what it is you want to know.  The most common things people ask about are Love and Career….in that order.  I didn’t so much as ask a specific question while I shuffled, but instead went into my mind and brought forth a feeling, an emotion.  I focused on the love that I have in my heart waiting to be given to someone while I shuffled.

That’s really all I want in my life, someone to love and to love me in return.  I’ve tried a few dating sites, and though people bite and I have gone out on a few dates, all they want from me is sex.   I was talking to my friend about this last night, and how frustrated I feel.  Is it really asking too much?  To fall asleep and wake up in the arms of a man that truly loves me?  So desperate is this desire that I actually fear for myself, for my emotional and physical, and yes, mental well-being.

I don’t have a lot of experience with love, having only given my heart to two men in my past, but those men made the choice to hurt me at some point in our….relationship.  One was just mean, but I loved him so much and he said he loved me that I stayed with him for way too long.  That is one five year relationship that shouldn’t have lasted even one.  The other one didn’t last very long, and this one was a good one, but the love for me just was never there for him.  Nothing anyone can do about that.

I fear for myself because I don’t know what I will subject myself to in order to feel loved, to feel important to someone, to feel like I matter, even if its for just a little while.  In my past I’ve shown myself that I’m willing to be in an abusive relationship if someone loves me, and though my mind tells me that this is not good, it is my heart the leads me in love.  See, abusive relationships don’t start out that way.  They start out like all others, wonderful, loving, and so happy.  Then the change happens….for some it is quick, for others it develops gradually and progressively gets worse as time goes on, but once your in you’re trapped.  This is a man who loves you, and you stay because you think he is going through a phase, or something else, and you stay because you are positive that when whatever going on settles down he’ll be that sweet, considerate, loving man that you fell in love with.  I went through four years of hell before I finally realized that the man I fell in love with in my youth wasn’t the man he actually was, and that the man he actually was is cruel.  That was my epiphany when I was 24, and that is when I left him.  What if I fall into that again?  What if I don’t have that epiphany a second time?

I have questioned myself everyday, “What is wrong with me?”  Why can’t I find this one thing in the world, the only thing I really want out of this life?  I don’t think I’m a bad person, I don’t think I’m unattractive, I have a good job, a great family, and friends that love me.  Then I think, why should I be so lucky when there are probably millions of people out there that are prettier, smarter, more financially secure, and just better people than I am that want the same thing, to love and be loved in return.

I have so much love in my heart to give someone, and no one to give it to.  A friend once told me that to an extent we can choose who we fall in love with, which I don’t believe.  What we CAN do is choose who we open ourselves up to, and see what happens.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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