I’m so very…..


….lucky.  No really, I am.  My life may be the soap opera from hell, but I have friends to share it with me and help me through.

I know I’ve written…repeatedly….how very bad I am with words, and that I’m amazingly very much worse communicating verbally than I am through the written word.  I think this is because of how I was raised.

I didn’t grow up in the most communicative of families.  We didn’t talk about our feelings or emotions at all, and whenever I, or anyone, tried….we were told we were over-reacting, or being silly….usually by dad, but sometimes by mom, too.  So our verbal affection was limited to “I love you,” or “stop being a jackass,”  to show how we feel, and “good job,” or “I’m so proud of you,” or “why are acting like an idiot?” to let one know how we felt about their accomplishments.  Mom used the “proud” phrase, “good job” was all dad.  Jackass was his favorite word.  I use it as often as I can in his honor.

The point being, I have a very difficult time showing someone emotion, or expressing how much they may actually mean to me.  Its easier for me to express it through the written word than face-to-face.  In fact, in one’s presence its damn near impossible, and may be hard to understand because on the rare occasion I have been able to express myself, its usually accompanied by mumbling, blushing, lowered head, and turning away in embarrassment.   I will then very quickly change the subject and pretend it never happened, so if you missed it…..you missed it.  You might have a vague sense of having missed out on something, but if you question me about it I’ll just say it was nothing and to nevermind.

So here it is,  I have been so very lucky in one area of my life, and that’s friends.  I have three stages of friendship: acquaintances, friends, and family.  Acquaintances are those that you may hang out with regularly in group settings.  These may be the party friends, good time friends, friends you see when you just need to get out and they happen to be doing something.

Friends are people that you talk to, and let get to know you on a deeper level.  You might not share your deepest, darkest secrets with them, but they have a better sense of who you are and you each feel comfortable calling on the other for an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or to hang out for some one on one time.

Family, or what most people call “best friends”, are those that know the bad things about you and accept you anyway.  You can give them your honest opinion about anything, and they you in return, and the friendship doesn’t change.  Doesn’t mean you’re not going to hear things you don’t want to hear, but you know that person loves and accepts you for who you are.   These are the people that will support you even after they tell you your decision is stupid and exactly why they don’t agree with it.  These are the people that you KNOW are going to be there when you need them.   These are the people you trust.  These are the people that, no matter how bad your day is, just being around them makes you feel better because you know that they are in your corner.

In this way I have been so very lucky.  I have lots of acquaintances, many friends, and more best friends than I think I deserve.  I need more than one hand to count them, but I’m not going to actually state the number.   Some I’ve known for less than two years, others for half my life, but every single one of these friendships have been put to the test over the last 2 years, 3 months, and 20 days.  Without your love and support, I might have actually just laid down and let myself whither away.

You guys fought for me, helped me, carried me, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me over this time period, and how much each of you mean to me.   It pains me to think that this struggle isn’t over yet and I will still require your love and support to get me through this time.  I feel I ask so much and am currently ill-equipped to give you what you need in return.   All I can say is that when you call, I will be there for you and I will try and give you everything I have to offer.

You know who ya’ll are.

I love you.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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