….which is what I have been telling myself most of the evening. As usual, I didn’t listen to myself.
So what caused this emotional turmoil? I hadn’t heard from my baby’s daddy much over the last few days, if at all. He usually comes over Thursdays so we can go to the gym, we go line-dancing on Fridays, and he’d actually been over the last couple of Wednesdays, too. This week, nothing.
I could see from his facebook posts that he was down, and sleeping a lot, so I did my best to let him be, other than to let him know I was here for him if he needed anything….even if anything was coming over, not talking, and just sleeping. He didn’t. That’s fine, I’m ok with that; He needs to do whatever he has to do to pull himself out of this right now. I get depression.
What made me panic was when it was discovered today that he had unfriended me and a friend on facebook. I absolutely freaked. I didn’t know what was going on. Did I say something? Do something? What the hell is happening?
I had visions of my baby growing up without out a father. I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to her when she was old enough to understand that an important male figure was missing from her life. What would I tell her? “Wherever your daddy is, he loves you very much, but he just couldn’t handle being a father,” was really all I could think of. Its bad enough that I have severe abandonment issues, but I don’t want that for my little girl.
Then I started thinking about everything I needed to do, and everything I was going to have to do without help. Another wave of panic washed over me and I couldn’t breathe. Of course, my having some sort of weird allergy attack/cold/whatever didn’t help with the breathing issue. I realized that I had started to depend on him for too much.
When I decided I was going to keep the baby, I told myself I would depend on him for nothing. This was basically something I was going to have to do alone, and any help from him would be a bonus. Over the last few months, I had started to depend on him. His presence made me feel better, like I wasn’t going through this alone, and he would come over and help clean when I was too sick or just too tired to do it. He held my hand during some scary doctor’s visits. Somewhere along the way I started to lean on him more and more, and tonight I fell on my ass.
I also thought, what if he decided he doesn’t want anything to do with me? That’s fine, that’s his choice and his right, but please don’t leave me in the dark. I can handle almost anything as long as I know what’s going on. Not knowing things kills me, and it bugs me that he could just drop out of my life and there’s nothing I can do about it. Not that I would try to do anything about it, I’m not going to force someone to be a friend to me or a father to my daughter, but it would hurt. Terribly. Hell, I was wondering if I should bother putting his name on the birth certificate.
That thought brought on another string of thoughts, mostly along the line of, “would he really abandon his child when he loves children so much?” He may not want anything to do with me, but I can’t imagine him not wanting anything to do with his daughter. If that was the case, sure I could cut him out of our lives completely, but how could I deny my daughter her father, especially when he’s such a good one to the children he already has? I do believe he will be just as good of a father to her as to his boys.
With all of these thoughts (and more) going through my mind, I barraged him with texts and he finally responded, saying he turned off his facebook because he wanted to sleep. Later, a facebook post of his came through on my phone, and I felt better, but the damage has been done.
I’m back on my own, and I’m scared.