Just another meltdown

in a long line of past meltdowns and meltdowns to come.

I’m now 4 weeks and 6 days (ok, 5 weeks) away from delivery and I’m trying to get my apartment in order but its proving exceedingly difficult.

Munchie keeps throwing up so I started to put the fan into the living room and leaving it on while I’m at work because I thought it was due to the heat.  This seemed to work for a while but tonight he threw up again….in four different spots.  Why can’t cats just yak in one spot?  He’s the reason I bought my steam cleaner because, before I knew it was him, my carpet was disgusting due to residual cat vomit in the carpet because I wasn’t getting it all up.  I know, disgusting.  I’m going to have to take him to the vet because something is apparently actually wrong with him.

I can’t afford that.

I’m trying to get things clean, and between laundry and mopping and dishes, vacuuming, and wiping down the counters and cleaning the bathroom, within 5 days it all looks like shit again.  So, besides just trying to keep the everyday things clean, I’m trying to clean out the closets and get rid of years of junk that I’ve collected, but I don’t have time to do this in between everyday cleaning and throw-up cleaning, and the involuntary naps I take when I get home.  They may be only an hour, but thats still an hour gone.

Don’t get me started on the vacuum.  Too late.  My good, big vacuum I hadn’t cleaned since last summer so thats pretty much ruined, and the little $28 vacuum I bought last Christmas for myself barely does the job.  The tank on the big one that actually sucks things up is destroyed (its bagless so I’m talking about whatever the stuff you vacuum up goes into), so I need to see if I can order a new one or if I’m going to have to buy a new vacuum.

I can’t afford that, either.

I keep thinking I should take people up on the their offers to help, but it would take longer for things to get done that way because they would have to ask me with every little thing “do you want to keep this?  should this be thrown away?  give this to goodwill?”, so whats the point of all that. Or I wouldn’t like how they cleaned things and I’d have to clean after they left anyways until it was done to my satisfaction.  Cleaning is like meatloaf, everyone has their particular way they like things done and they rarely like anyone else’s way.

The one person that knows how I like things cleaned doesn’t ever come around hardly anymore, and the once a week visit I *usually* get, he usually gets here too late to actually get anything done.  Time enough for a tv episode or two, and even then I’m getting to sleep about an hour or two later than usual.

He said he was going to come over tonight but he didn’t because there was no sitter, and you know what my thought was?  Well, after my first thought of “didn’t expect you to actually come anyway”?  If he told his kids that he was having a daughter, that they were getting a sister, and actually had me around them long enough for them to get comfortable with me and with the idea and adjust, then he wouldn’t have needed the sitter.  He could have brought them over earlier in the day, maybe they could have played with my cats, or read books, or played on the computer, I don’t know.  Or, if they stay over and sleep in my bed while we got things done in the living room (they go to bed early).  This way maybe I could have gotten even just a little bit of help.

I am so completely overwhelmed.  I don’t even know where to start anymore.  I look around my apartment and just feel a deep sense of utter panic.  I kind of just start doing things and hope that at some point I’ll get everything done, but it seems like the more I do the more behind I get, and then I just start to cry and I can’t do anything anymore because I can’t see or move because I’ve collapsed on the floor and all I seem to be capable of is sitting there and crying.

I’m frustrated on top of everything because I’ve been telling myself that this needs to be done for months now and I kept putting it off.  Now I’m getting down to the wire and I feel absolutely helpless and futile.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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