Difficult decisions

I had to make a difficult decision last week.  Maybe to other people it might not have been difficult, but I’m stubborn and thick-headed and I really didn’t want to make it.

But I did.  I had to.  I was getting more and more hurt, and stressing out way too much.  It wasn’t healthy, for me or for the baby.

Since I’ve made the decision and communicated said decision to party involved, I’ve slept a whole lot better.  And a whole lot more!  This isn’t good either, because I’m falling behind on what I need to do and deadline is looming.

My nightmares have stopped for now.  It really was just the same nightmare…more anxiety dream than nightmare…but either way, it was the same.  Usually I went into labor and I would call and text over and over and get no response.  He just wasn’t there.  I would wake up very upset.  The variation was that something was wrong and I needed to go to the hospital, and I would text and call repeatedly, to no response.  I don’t know why I didn’t call someone else in the dream, but for some reason he was the only person I could think of to call, and each attempt went unanswered.

That was it.  The dream never went to the end, I never saw myself deliver or found out what was wrong.  It was all about communication failure and, I’m guessing, my sense of abandonment.

I wish things were different, and that he was someone I could depend on, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  I wonder if maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but then I think of the nightmares and the daily crying (haven’t cried since….well, a little today but not the broken hearted sobbing that I had been) and I know I’m better off.  I made the right decision.

I just wish I didn’t have to have made it.  I just wish that things were different and he was someone I could count on to be there, someone that could give me the emotional support that I need.  But you know the saying, “Wishes are like assholes…..everybody has one”.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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