The wind blows cold outside my small apartment. I can hear it moving through the trees and the wind chimes that hang outside a neighbors door. Inside it is just as cold, even though I have the heater on.
I came home to an apartment as dark and cold as it is outside. I turned on the heater, the lights, and the tv to try and chase away the coldness and the dark, and the knowledge that I am alone.
I try to make myself busy, ignoring the toys scattered on the floor of the living area. The noise of the tv doesn’t cover the sound of silence that I hear. There is no noise. No baby’s laughter fills this apartment tonight. No baby plays with the toys on the floor. No baby. Tonight my apartment is just an apartment, not a home.
I abandon my futile attempts at busy work. My throat is sore from the oncoming cold and I’m tired. I sit on the couch and play games, ignoring the tv. My cats chase each other then lay content in their favorite spots. There is no baby to beware of tonight. They are safe from the crawling human that tries to grab their tails.
I give up and get ready for bed. I take a long shower to try to warm my bones. I can take as long as I want tonight, but I don’t. I am eager to go to bed, eager to wake up feeling better, eager to be at work, and eager to see my baby afterwards.
I turn out all the lights, make sure all the doors are locked, and climb into bed…but I can’t sleep. Its too quiet. There is no sound of breathing, other than my own. There is no warmth in my bed cuddling up to me. Just a stuffed rabbit.
I miss my little girl.