Don’t Touch Me

I don’t like to be touched by just anyone, and that’s any touch. The brush of a hand against mine, a touch at the small of my back to let me know that someone is behind me, or even a simple hug, none of it. If I don’t trust you, I won’t like the simplest of even accidental invasions of my personal space.

I am actually a very affectionate person. If I trust someone I can be the most cuddly person you’ve ever met. I love to be hugged, held, touched. The more I trust, the more I crave, and the more that’s given, the more I want.  I become physically addicted to that affection.

I guess that is why its so hard for me to get into relationships.  My trust does not come easy and I’m guessing my walls are intimidating to any interested male. Maybe I seem standoffish or uninterested.  Maybe that’s why I could never be as casual with sex with some of my friends, which I was always envious of.  I could be in bed with the greatest lover in the world but if I don’t know him, trust him, then I am not going to enjoy the experience.

Maybe that’s why when I am hurt, its too the core.  If I trust someone and I’m betrayed….its devastating to me.  I break.  Someone would know if this has happened if they’re paying attention, because I won’t be as affectionate as I was, if I’m affectionate at all.  I won’t be willing to wrap you in my arms and give you a strong hug. 

You’ll be lucky if I pat you on the back.

But sometimes I have to be the tiniest bit affectionate with people when I’d rather not. It is rude to turn ones nose up on an offered hug if you are trying to be on good terms with that person, unless it has already been established and understood that physical contact is not desired. So I may return a hug even if I don’t want to. I do the tap hug. One arm around and pat the person on the back once or twice nd let go.

The tap hug is a quick, polite hug that doesn’t hurt anyone’s feeings and requires very little, short term contact. Even still, my mind is screaming at that person to not touch me even though my face smiles.

On the flip side, just because I’m not affectinate with some people doesn’t mean I don’t like them. There are plenty oof people that I like but are not affectionate with, merely because its been established through interaction that it is neither needed nor required of me to give them affection, and that’s fine too.

Don’t worry, my baby girl isn’t starving for my affection. She gets more kisses and cuddles than she knows what to do with.
I’m surprised her cheeks aren’t constantly chaffed from my kissing them so often! I’m talking about everyone else.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been told I look “hard”. Maybe I appear cold and unfeeling? Indifferent? Callous? I thought I had an idea of what people see in me. I guess I don’t.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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