Frustrated

I am completely frustrated with so many things, and after what happened while watching last weeks “Bones” episode I’m wondering if my antidepressants should be upped.   The background plot to the story was that the person whose murder they were trying to solve had found some bones that proved that a neanderthal man and homo sapien woman were living together and had a child.  Another homo sapien attacked the family when the child was three, and all the adults were killed.  The three year old child was not wanted by the homo sapien tribe and so was left to starve.  The neanderthal man, in his dying moments, made his way to the homo sapien woman and spooned her as they died together.  The 3 year old child, in her last moments (yes, a daughter) lay down with the dead bodies of her parents and died.  They were found together, the father holding the mother, and the child on the other side of her mother huddled up against her.

I broke.  The thought of this fictional 3 year old girl left alone to starve, crying for her mommy and daddy, and probably shaking them to wake them up, not understanding the concept of death, broke me and I cried on the couch like a little girl.  Rachel, MY daughter, was concerned enough to try to comfort me and I held her as I sat and cried on the couch.

This can’t be normal.

Rachel’s father.  I don’t know if my hormones may be why I am so frustrated with him, but my reaction to the Bones episode does make me wonder.  There are lots of factors involved though.  His helping is hit or miss, sometimes I come home to an apartment messier than when I left it, and other times (like this past Thursday) I come home to find he has taken some laundry home to do, washed the dishes, and cleaned in general.  Even though this is rare, I still am grateful and tend to feel bad about thinking ill of him.

Then we come to the issue of February 10th.  A few weeks ago he asked if he could have Rachel on the 10th.  I didn’t ask why, but I said yes as I had promised him one weekend day with Rachel per month.  I figured he was finally cashing in, and this pleased me.  So last week he said he had made a mistake and that he meant to ask for February 3rd, Superbowl Sunday.  I told him we had plans already and he said that he would change his RSVP.  Two days later he said that he would really like to have her on the 3rd.  I reiterated that we had already made plans.

This upset me for two reasons: 1) he asked me the second time after he had cleaned up a bit and had taken some laundry home, so it made his help seem like it had a price attached to it and I didn’t like that, and 2) I had already told him that Rachel and I had plans.  Its not my fault he requested the wrong day.

So today, I asked him if he still wanted Rachel on the 10th, and he said he wasn’t sure and hadn’t thought about it as he won’t have the boys late like he will on the 3rd.  So, apparently, whether or not he has his boys dictates whether or not he is willing to spend time with Rachel on the weekends.  I got this impression last week at Chelsea’s birthday party to which he and his sons were invited, but he was feeling “Blah” after dropping them off and didn’t show.

He didn’t show.  His DAUGHTER was there, and because he felt “blah” after dropping his boys off he didn’t want to come to a party and spend time with his daughter.  And NOW, because he won’t have his boys late on the 10th like the 3rd, he doesn’t know if he wants his daughter on that day.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?!?!?!  She is his DAUGHTER and he is not sure if he wants to spend time with her without her brothers??? Oh my fucking God, I cannot tell you how angry and frustrated this makes me.  It makes me feel like he doesn’t love his daughter, or at least favors his boys over her which isn’t right, in my book.

Its shit like this that makes me think he is a bad father.

I would tell him this, too, exept that it might guilt him into taking her on the 10th.  If he spends time with her, I want it to be because he WANTS to, not because I make him feel bad.  So I am not going to say anything and be grateful that I get to spend the day with her, because I WANT to spend the day with her.  I can’t think of ANYTHING I would rather do.

My daughter is my heart, the light of my life.  Its her father’s loss if he doesn’t want to spend time with her.

What a fucking loser he turned out to be.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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One Response to Frustrated

  1. Opinionated Man says:

    I might say, speaking from experience, that depending on what you are going through might/should affect what you watch. Emotions are fine, but if you aren’t exactly strong at the moment then SOME emotions should be avoided. Just my perspective though.

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