Love and Affection

My little girl isn’t very affectionate, which I find strange since I lavish her with hugs and kisses as often as I can.  She is very willing to hug, but she is very, very stingy with her kisses.  I thought this might be a phase since she wasn’t this way when she was around One years old, but the phase is still here, and she is still stingy.

Its not like she was ever kissy, kissy with everyone, but she would give kisses.  Now, when I ask her for a kiss she shakes her head back and forth, but every once in a while I will get one when we go to bed.  We’ll lay down, and she’ll sit with her Dreamlites for a bit, then she’ll put it down and turn to me.  She will then pull the covers up, pat me on the head, and give me a kiss goodnight. It is SO cute!  But this isn’t an every night thing, its actually becoming more rare, too.

I admit it, I got worried.  Why is my baby so unwilling to show affection?  I googled the question, figuring I can’t be the only one worried about this.  I’m not, and though that made me feel better, the responses I read to other mother’s who posed the same question DIDN’T make me feel better.

The answers weren’t bad or anything.  I didn’t read anything that said that their kid was like that and he turned out to be a serial killer or anything, but some of it wasn’t very….well, it just wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  Most responses stated that they had the same issue with their children, and their children grew out of it by the time they were a year old or so.  Rachel is 18 months.  When I looked back at the ages of the children they were months younger than Rachel when, and if, they grew out of the phase.

There were also the responses that said that this is just the type of personality their child has, that they just aren’t affectionate children.  There were a few that said their children grew out of it as late as 20 months, and that after that their children were full of hugs and kisses again.  I do hope that is the case with Rachel.

There was one response I REALLY didn’t like.  The person asked the mother that posted the question if the child saw Mommy and Daddy show affection.  I don’t remember reading a response from the mother that originally posted the question, but it struck a chord with me.  It makes sense that Rachel wouldn’t understand what is going on with the hugs and kisses because she doesn’t really see me giving them to anyone else, and she doesn’t see anyone really giving them to me.  Children learn by observing those around them, and she isn’t observing any sort of affection other than the occasional hug.

Does this mean that I’m going to ask her father to start giving me hugs and kisses on the cheek.  Hell no, I don’t want him touching me.  It makes me sad, though, because I feel that here is another way that I am failing her.   I cannot give my daughter an example of love and affection because there is no one in my daily life that I can give it to other than her.  There isn’t really anything I can do about it either, short of running out and latching on to the first guy that is willing to have me, and I am so not going to do that.

If I ever find a man that I am willing to spend my life with, he will be subjected to a full background check, and I will watch him very carefully with Rachel.  One wrong move and he’s gone.  I am not so desperate to give Rachel a permanent father figure that I’m going to let her see me be mistreated in any way, or even worse, let her be mistreated in any way.

I just don’t want to screw her up, and with her withholding hugs and kisses I can’t help but wonder if I am already screwing her up.  I do hope its just a phase and she goes back to giving me kisses, but here is something else that I read, and I’m going to have to remember it and maybe it will get me through this.  I don’t remember it verbatim, but basically it said that it is the parent’s job to lavish their children with love and affection, but it is not the child’s job to return the gestures.  This is their time, not ours.  So I will continue to lavish my baby girl with all the love and attention that I can give her, all the hugs and kisses that I have time for, and all the tickles and laughter that we can squeeze in to each day, and hope that she turns out ok.


About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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2 Responses to Love and Affection

  1. sunshinehw says:

    Chelsea loves to give kisses when I am leaving or my mom or dad or someone she knows is leaving, I will go I am leaving now and she will go kisses and hugs…I tell you this because Angelina does not have anyone giving her hugs and kiss or showing her affection like that, we do not hug and kiss each other…we taught Chelsea to give kisses and hugs and she does them…she does not give them for no reason though, the only way I get kisses is when I am leaving and she does not really “cuddle” either unless she is laying on the couch with my sister, in that case she has not choice…my point is you are not failing her at all, you are a wonderful mother and the truth is she just might not be an affectionate person. I am way more affectionate than my sister…kids are born with personalities and she might just not be someone that likes to give kisses…so you just keep doing what you are doing and lavish her with all the hugs and kisses you want and when she feels like it she will kiss you back…Be very careful what you read online as well because everyone has a different experience…hugs and kisses…I love you, you are a wonderful mother, continue to love yourself and her and she will be just fine

  2. sunshinehw says:

    uggg I wrote a reply and then it made me log in and it got erased blah…basically I was saying that Chelsea gives hugs and kisses but only when someone is leaving…it is like a routine, kids are different some are more affectionate than others. Chelsea does not just give out random kisses…plus be careful what you read on the internet, everyone has an opinion people’s experinences are different. You are a wonderful mother and you are not failing her. Chelsea has yet to see any man give Angelina any hugs or kisses and she likes to give kisses so I do not think Rachel not seeing a man show you this kind of affection is the reason for her not to give kisses, i think it is just part of her personality…plus I know when Chelsea was younger espeically and my baby cousin did this as well, they thought it was “cute” or funny to deny me kisses because I asked for them…anyways you are an amazing mother who loves her daughter greatly so continue to show her love and affection and try not to take it too personally when she does not want to give you kisses…much love

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