Today had not been a good day. Actually, nothing has gone right since I got home on Sunday afternoon.
1. The bathroom door was closed the whole weekend while me and baby girl were out of town, which means the living room was their litter box. (yes, it was gross)
2. I messed up at work.
3. I was so excited about ordering Les Mills Combat dvd player and starting it today, that I lost it when I couldn’t play the dvd on ANYTHING.
4. I broke my phone when I had my fit. Threw it against the wall and the screen shattered.
5. The dvd player may not have survived my anger, but it doesn’t work anyway so oh well.
6. Rachel witnessed this. I did put myself in time out saying, “Mommy threw her phone, Mommy gets a time out. Mommy shouldn’t throw things.” Rachel came and gave me a hug (awww) but still, she saw it.
7. When I went to Sprint thinking I could just give THEM $150.00 for the deductible on my phone and they would just give me a new one, I found out they couldn’t. When they connected me to the insurance I couldn’t get a person. I asked the guy if I could talk to a person he seemed surprised I wasn’t and put the phone on speaker. He said, thats a person. I said no, thats a phone tree. I got mad at Sprint for being worthless and left in a huff, even though it wasn’t the poor guy’s fault.
Today has not been my day and I am fed up. I wanted to rip the DVD player out of the entertainment center and jump up and down on it. I wanted to take my tv and throw it down the stairs. I am still a pissed off bundle of angry bitch, even though I’ve calmed down, I am angry, I am frustrated. I want to go back to kickboxing and I can’t because they don’t have daycare there and with Rachel’s daddy’s schedule there is only one day a week I can get there so why bother paying about $800.00/year for something that I may or may not get to do.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so angry I didn’t want anything to do with Rachel. She came up and hugged me and it was all I could do to not push her away. I was angry, and even though it had nothing to do with her she was in my way. So I hugged her back and gave her a kiss on the cheek. There was really nothing else I could do.
Rachel’s daddy tries to help. He suggests that I start running. I don’t want to run. Running bores me. I grew up in a family of runners and athletic people. Running isn’t for me. I like sports. I like DOING things. I like kickboxing. Its the only thing I have ever been able to do consistently for a long period of time. I’m not talking long period of time as in per workout (though at one time I was working out for three hours a day at the dojo), I’m talking about something that has kept me coming back again and again for years because I ENJOYED IT.
I am just so frustrated on so many levels. I try to not take it out on Rachel or let her see it, but today I failed. She saw me lose my temper, and yes….I yelled at her today. It made her cry. Nothing makes you feel like absolute shit faster than making your baby, the love of your life, cry. I am very angry today though, and she can feel it. She has been very sensitive to me today after I got frustrated. So I give her lots of hugs and kisses. I don’t want her to think that she is the reason for any of this.
So right now she is sitting on my lap watching Caillou on Sprout TV while I sit at the computer and try to figure out what I can do to not let this happen again. Interestingly enough, I think the last time this happened I got a migraine a few days later and I think at that time I had remembered this has happened before, my losing my temper and then getting a migraine a few days later.
We’ll see. I’ll edit this post in a few days saying whether or not I got a migraine. Not that it is an excuse for my behaviour, but maybe if it is a trend I can notice it and take measures to calm down before it gets this bad again. I’ll put this on my calendar and start tracking my anger moods. Regardless, I need to not let this happen again.
I feel like a complete and utter failure right now. Messed up at work, nothing got done at home, not chores or exercise. I lost my temper and made my daughter cry.
Tomorrow hopefully will be a better day.