My anxiety is rising over lots of things I cannot control.  I’m dealing with it as best I can but I’m thinking I may need to see a therapist.

I’m going to say that the root of my anxiety comes from my loss of faith.  Before, I took comfort in knowing that there was some sort of afterlife.  That maybe my spirit would float over the world and I would observe the lives of the ones I love and when they died we would be rejoined.

I don’t believe that anymore.  I fear death.  Not dying, I honestly believe that will be one of the most peaceful things I ever experience….assuming it’s not some sort of slow, tortuous, traumatic death.  When one dies the brain releases chemicals to ease one into death.  The chemicals bring calm and peace.  How do I know that?  My Grandpa Coleman told my mom.

Apparently my grandfather choked on his dinner.  I think he was out with people when it happened, and apparently he died….or came so close that he may as well have died.  Obviously he was revived in some way because he was able to speak of the incident afterwards, but my mom told me that he told her that it was the most peaceful thing he had ever experienced and that he never feared death again.

I fear death. I cannot imagine not existing in some way.  Billions have died before me, billions will die after me, it is something we all do, but the thought of that light turning out into nothingness boggles my mind.  I cannot comprehend.  I fear death.

I fear earthquakes and tsunamis.  Why?  Well, for one I live in California.  I’ve grown up with the threat of the “Big One,” and I swore I would never move to Southern California.  Here I am!!!  Right smack in the middle of Southern California less than 10 miles from the beach.  Good thing I moved inland…if I still lived a few blocks from the beach I don’t know if I’d be able to sleep!

Earthquakes:  We’re due for two.  The first one, the one I think would be the bigger of the two, is to happen in northern California and will radiate down the coast.  While the majority of the damage would be in the northern area, there is the expectation that this particular event would cause tsunamis that would destroy the coastal towns.

Remember the 2011 tsunami in Japan.  Think that, all the way down.

As soon as I feel the shaking I’m picking up my daughter and high-tailing it AZ for a week.  Assuming, that is, it’s not the San Andreas earthquake that is expected.  Also expected to be a MAJOR earthquake, this one would be more damaging to Southern California.  It could potentially destroy all roads leading out of state.

While I was always concerned about the earthquakes, I wasn’t afraid of them until I had my child.  I fear being away from her if this event occurs.  How would I be able to get to her?  How can I keep her safe if I am not by her side?  How can I keep her safe if I AM by her side?  The thought of her being afraid and me not being there for her hurts my heart.  The thought of me being by her side and her being afraid because I CAN’T protect her in the event of a catastrophe hurts my heart too.

I’m so screwed.  Seriously starting to think that I might need some medication.  This isn’t healthy.

Today we went to the Aquarium and the whole time I kept waiting to be trapped inside because either the building came down or we got hit by a tsunami.   I know I would feel shaking first, but my car was parked on the third floor of the parking structure and even if I was able to grab my daughter and run to the car, get in, and get going, I’d be behind everyone else trying to escape as well.  I can’t outrun a tsunami.  My daughter would be ripped from my hands and she wouldn’t understand what was happening and she would die scared and alone.

See? I need help.

About Chaos5150

I'm a medical coder by day, hermit by night, a 24 hr mommy, and a closet line-dancer whenever I get the chance. I love my daughter, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my cats, and I love my family. I love the dry heat, driving into the middle of the desert at night to see the moon and the stars, beading jewelry, torturing the unaware, and scaring people. People say I'm evil, but I'm not. I'm just a little mischievous.
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